Trying to Tame the Wolf

...and get on with my life.

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PFAM: Learning to Live Again

I've read a bit from previous PFAM blog carnivals, and thought participating would be a wonderful way to make some connections for my new little blog... As well as encourage me to keep going with it. This month the theme is Renewals, and boy do I have some need for renewals!

2012 was just not my year. I was diagnosed with Lupus, then downgraded to Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease. I started medications that helped my Bloodwork, but not my quality of life. I pushed back the deadline for my masters thesis four times (I'm still not done). I moved to a new city in a new state and got new doctors. Finally, I had to postpone looking for a job in order to care for myself. I'm still unemployed. During this time, I experienced several flare ups. My inability to control my symptoms (particularly pain) took its toll. I became depressed and withdrawn.

In my heart, I want to say I can fix all of these things this year. I would love to make that my New Years resolution. But the truth is that my life is still unpredictable. I'm still sensitive to even the smallest failures. And my illness is still capable of cropping up and causing its damage. Instead, my New Years Resolution is to learn to live again. I'm going to learn to deal with my new normal and learn to get things done despite chronic illness. And when things don't go perfectly, I aim to forgive myself. To dust myself off, stand up, and try again.

So here are my goals and resolutions for 2013. I've tried to make them as reasonable as possible so that I can deal with failure if I have to.

1. Finish my thesis and get my Masters degree (applied math, if you were wondering) by the end of winter quarter (early March)
2. Find a job by this summer. I may wind up tutoring in people's houses rather than working in industry, but I don't mind as long as my boyfriend doesn't have to fully support me anymore...

1. Work on depression: I'm already working with a psychiatrist on this, and we have overcome the first major hurdle. At this point, I need to work on getting out more, making some new friends, and improving my self esteem. Speaking of which...
2. Productivity: This is probably the toughest one. Endurance is a real issue for me. I think baby steps are in order. I'm starting with 2 hours a day of thesis work in 30 minute intervals.
3. Resilience: I'm going to have setbacks. So I may as well plan for them. I want to learn to move on after these setbacks... To get back into the groove. I'm not sure the best way to do this yet, but keeping it in mind is the first step.

So hopefully these are all achievable. Now excuse me... I have to go work on my thesis...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.


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